Like my Grandma Essie (Happy Belated 86th GG!) would say I "done ripped my drawers" with God. I don't know if it's just me but I let 2020 and all its shenanigans distract me. Like God is NOT pleased. Everything I begged and asked Him for He gave to me in 2020. So while the world may have thought it was going to fade to black with COVID-19, social outcries, the attack on the Capitol, mass layoffs, etc- your girl was at the peak of experiencing the hand of God. All those private prayer closet cries were finally manifesting and I got beside myself. I stopped seeking His face because I was so enthralled with His hand. Well, just like God had to rebuke and chastise the Israelites when they got beside themselves, yep, you guessed it. He's doing with me.
God was so good to me. Even in the midst of chaos all around, He allowed me to see that no one in my immediate family would get COVID-19 or be sick, hospitalized, or die from it. It was the most reassuring dream EVER. And what did I do? I sent a notice to my church that me and the kiddos would not be attending in person anymore because of the risk of spreading and contracting COVID-19. Not saying the risk wasn't still very much prevalent BUT God showed me my safe passage to empower me to continue the work even in the face of physical danger because I was protected. Not to have an easy way out because I wanted to sleep in on Sunday's. My disobedience ran STEEP. Every way I could think to NOT do what I knew to do I did. Prayers were few and far between unless I was asking Him to fix some folks at my job. Tithing was hit or miss unless I wanted to show off that new 30% raise. Reading and studying the word in my Bible was pretty much null and void. Until today...
So what happened? Glad you asked! God began to withdraw His hand and His Spirit. I felt it subtly at first- nervousness, fearful decision making, anxiety, the desire to be liked all began to resurface. I had gotten a 30% raise and in a matter of 4 pay cycles, I was back living paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I almost called it quits and my kiddos starting flunking their virtual classes. Not that my kids are geniuses but they are pretty close (well, maybe not Thomas Edison genius, ok). I cried every single night. I hated my body. I couldn't control my emotional response to ANYTHING. And instead of pausing and saying, "Hmmm I wonder what God is trying to tell me." I went right back to my idols searching for contentment. And then 2 weeks ago my Aunt called me and said, "You're asking God for something but He's asking you for something." I had been asking Him for a new construction build home. We got denied TWICE. And today my daughter called me and said in her dream she saw me preaching and living a life unfilled and just short of reaching the destiny God has for me." Instantly the Holy Spirit directed me to read I Samuel 12.
After praying, crying, and studying God's word today, here's what I know to be true.
1) Warning comes before destruction. And this is my 2nd warning to take heed to what God is requesting, no, better yet, demanding of me.
2) God will get the glory from our lives. We may just not get all our inherited promises due to our disobedience. God showed my daughter me preaching to my childhood church about missed opportunities due to disobedience. What's crazy is I've been running from preaching and in the dream even after all of my disobedience I STILL was preaching in the end.
3) God lines grace in His rebuke. After the call from my Aunt and daughter, I was afraid. Like, really afraid of God's punishment. And I Samuel 12: 20-22 reminded me (paraphrasing) "You've done so much evil. But do not be afraid of your Father in Heaven. Just serve Him with ALL your heart. Simply turn from your idols because He has proven to you they are useless to care for you or save you. God will make your name great for HIS NAMESAKE because He went out of His way to love and create you for His purpose."
How awesome sauce is that??!!!! After all the evil I've done. He still gives me grace. After all the ways I have hurt Him He still chooses to love me and allow His Spirit to reside in me and on me. I remember asking my granny would God ever remove His spirit from me like He did King Saul. She rest assured me that He would not. I did not belive her then but I surely do believe her now.
Thank you God for loving me and all your creation. For going out your way to adopt me, change my name, and set aside purpose to use me for your namesake. Thank you for Grace!
-Rose
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