I jokingly tell everyone who will give me an ear that only me and baby Jesus have a birthday in December. So I usually don't buy other folks Christmas gifts or celebrate anyone else because it ain't their birthdays. But this year was different.
This year I've been cooped up in my room for the last 14 days with COVID-19. There are so many difficult experiences of having COVID. Initially, there was the shame- it felt like I was a leper or criminal. I struggled to humanize myself because I was worried about what people may think of me since I was infected. Then there was the guilt- I put the people I love so dearly at risk of infection. I kept trying to retrace my every step because I needed someone else to be the guilty ones, not me. There was the confusion- I know I had a dream and God showed me no one in my family would get COVID-19 so how could this be possible. And finally, there was the social separation- being disconnected from the outside world, my kids, my work, everything I wrapped my identity up in was gone in a split second as I read the test results on my phone. And this is all on top of being SICK- struggling to breathe, coughing up my lungs, losing my smell and taste, having a headache that felt like an aneurysm, and body aches that were just ungodly.
It's been an unpleasant two weeks but I know it's been for a purpose. Right before I fell ill, I had decided to take some legal actions against my employer. I had written out a script that would curse them out in the most professional way possible. I was planning a book release party for my 2nd title release, Marriage, Motherhood, and Ministry. I was really looking to splurge on myself for my birthday and TURNUP a time or two. I was also looking to stir up some stuff in my professional life. I had dreams showing me a different way than popping off but I was determined popping off was justified this time. My mind and body were worn down and popping off would be my release. Until I woke up and felt like I got hit by a bus. I couldn't even open my eyes, let alone an email. I couldn't breathe, let alone act a fool.
God sat me down in my birthday season, the one time a year that was usually all about me!!!! How dare He? This is usually the only month I have to cut up a lil and be a birthday brat. But not this time. Not this month. God confined me to my room and gave me sweet rest. I remember dropping to my knees on day 3 and worshipping God like a wild woman. I imagine this is how David praised God when he praised out of his clothes. I was unrestricted. I did not care what I looked or sounded like. I was worshipping in spirit and in truth. I was singing. I was praying. I was praising. I was just thankful to be alive. And then on day 7, I rolled over in my bed and turned my face to the wall and prayed to God, asking Him to forgive me for my sins. This is how I imagine Hezekiah prayed to God when God sent word that his illness would actually end in death. Hezekiah turned to the wall, cried, and asked for forgiveness for his prideful heart. This was me on day 7. I actually told God I don't know how to get the pride out. I don't know what to do with my heart. I want it to be a heart after His but I don't know how to align my ways to my words. I told Him I need help. I told Him I am struggling with control issues and people-pleasing. I know what they are but I am not strong enough to combat them and defeat them. I cried out to Him that His power and might will have to save me from myself. And guess what? I had the best rest ever after that prayer. I don't even remember falling asleep but I was asleep; I was safe; I was secure.
I have tried to control everything in my life from my appearance to my accomplishments and even my aptitude. And probably for the first time in my life, I recognize I have absolutely no control over anything, certainly not others. And it is so freeing! My body didn't need another birthday just to turn older. My body needed another birthday to grow in wisdom. So it's been a very unpleasant birthday month. But it's been full of purpose. God took the month that I usually make all about myself and made it all about the me in Him. COVID-19 is a destroyer but with God's grace, it's also a destroyer of the yoke and baggage that weighs us down. I don't wish COVID-19 on anyone, not even my enemies. I'm just grateful that God can use anything to bless you. And I mean ANYTHING! He used COVID-19 shame, sickness, guilt, social isolation and still gave me the ABSOLUTE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT- a closer walk and relationship with Him. Happy birthday to me! And happy birthday to Jesus!
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